Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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