She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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