they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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