Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
