your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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