I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
