The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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