Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
