Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
