..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
