I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
