That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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