just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
