I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
