I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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