2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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