I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
