Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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