New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
