she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
