I cannot find my penis.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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