OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
