Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
A bitchslap is in order.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
