She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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