i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
