John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
