Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
