It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
