Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
is that a dick in a sweater?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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