please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
