So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
