i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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