Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the day after is always just damage control
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
