I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
