i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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