Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
