Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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