the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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