just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
