I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
