too bad you live with your parents still
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
