you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
