Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
