thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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