i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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