the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
