AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
