Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
