ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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