nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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