He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
